How Do We Know In Our Anguish?

Some of your recent published letters are introspective, very personal, and seem to suggest that you have been very critical of yourself, and very honest about your feelings. Have recent experiences changed your thinking?

Recently, I have thought deeply about the meaning of our existence; about morality; about remorse, and redemption - as a result of a personal tragedy. I have been compelled, by my own feelings, to consider such matters, not especially in some academic, intellectual way, but rather in a deeply personal way, almost as a matter of my own life and death. Thus have I been considering again the answers of established religions - from Buddhism to Christianity to Islam - and the answers of various philosophers. I have considered many questions, and slowly, painfully slowly it seems, I have drawn some conclusions, and thus have, through my own personal experience of another personal tragedy, further developed The Numinous Way and my own understanding of both Christianity and Islam.

The starting point for this new personal search was: How do we, who know in our anguish and grief that we have done what was wrong - causing suffering to another - remember this knowing, and atone for such a wrong, where this atonement is our evolution, our change toward a new, better, more moral way of life? How do we, with our new understanding of our fallibility, our feeling of humility, remember this humility? Do we need to believe in the redemption of God, in the forgiveness of Allah, The Compassionate, The Most Merciful - in the healing that arises from a supreme Being's forgiveness; in a humble kneeling and prostration before a Deity? If not - if somehow we do not or cannot believe in this Deity and all that is associated with it - what else is there, who else is there, to relieve the pain, the torment, the grief? Do we need to accept the existence of supra-personal beings - Angels, or God, or Allah - who know all our deeds, who record them, and who judge us, one day, because of them? For such a total knowing of us, by another being or beings, such a Final Judgement, is and has been a way for we fallible, weak, human beings to strive to do what is right, just, civilized, and honourable. Or do we need to accept an answer such as that of Karma, of Nirvana?

In my own case - and is respect of The Numinous Way - the issue here is we know, we feel, the suffering we have caused to others - for we have, or have discovered, empathy. We also know and feel that it is not right, not honourable, to cause further suffering as a result of pursuing our own desires, our own personal goals, because such suffering distances us from the numen; distances us from the purpose of our lives which we understand as a means to change, to evolve, to presence the numinous via the nexion we are -  a means to be part of The Cosmic Being, to increase the life of this being; and to aid the life of Nature which is also part of this being.  Or - from another perspective - because such suffering distances us from the redemption that can be given by God, by Allah, The Compassionate, The Most Merciful. We know and feel such things because we have become humble, in the moments of grief and understanding, because we recognize and feel our own failings.

Yet, as I know from my own life, my own failings, it is so easy in the living to forget, to allow the former self to return with its arrogance; its lies; its self-deceit; its lack of genuine, heart-felt, humility. It is also easy to persuade one's self to believe in a Deity, in such moments of grief - for so great is the need, in such times as these, to so believe in something beyond ourselves: some God; some redeemer; some answers, such as those of an established Church. In many ways, in such times of personal tragedy, we yearn to have the remorse, the guilt, lifted from us. This is why, for instance, the Sacrament of Confession, in the Catholic Church, is so efficacious - we return to the fold; we have assurances; we have all the answers we require to continue living; we have the grace of the Holy Spirit, and we are healed. There is a love to suffuse us. In the same way, there is a beautiful, numinous, simplicity, in Namaz, in Islam - in the dua we can make to Allah, The Compassionate, The Most Merciful. So, it is tempting to accept such things - to so surrender.

But if we listen to the whisperings of our self, we feel that this surrender implies acceptance of a set of beliefs. It requires faith; it requires we accept Doctrine, and dogma. But if we do this because of a personal need, in a time of grief, is that genuine belief - which belief we shall have only until the time of grief passes, when we return to our old, questioning, doubting, selfish, ways? Must we, therefore, just simply surrender? Forgetting, ignoring, placing aside, our doubts, our questions, our intellect? And yet - is such a surrender just one more weakness, one more abrogation of who and what we are, what we can be, should be? And are the doubts about submission and belief just the whisperings of our, my, vanity - the vanity that betrayed us and caused such suffering as we caused? Do we really need a reason to submit and believe? Better no reason, perhaps, because by so submitting, so believing, we will have our boundaries marked and a means to keep us from ever causing suffering again? Is the most important thing - far beyond our own fallible feelings, our doubts, our ideas, our desires - not to cause any more suffering, and so it does not matter how or why we submit, or what we accept, so long as we obey, are humble, and live in a humble way, and thus no longer contribute to the suffering of this world? Is this wordless, vanity-less, humble submission and acceptance the true meaning of atonement - a true losing of ourselves and payment of our debt? Yet - if there are doubts, which we hide, or push aside, will not these same doubts linger, growing, in the darkness, to burst forth, poisoning us?

In my own case, I have been tempted in this way, many times, recently - as I was, four or so years ago, at the time of another personal tragedy. Yet to accept conventional answers to the questions about life sometimes seems an abrogation of all that I feel and believe I have learnt, felt, known, these past thirty-five, and more, years. There was, is, doubt, even here - because even this failure to accept conventional answers may be, and possibly is, the voice of self-delusion; the whisperings of vanity; the denial of humility and understanding and a denial of empathy itself. It is so tempting, so easy, to just ignore all the doubts about these conventional answers, and simply submit, again. For some time there was something, stirring within me - some memories; remembered. The incense; the mumbled or chanted words; the kneeling before some image, a statue, after Compline when such a beautiful, numinous, feeling of contentment and peace came before the sleep of night. A knowing, again - fleeting - of the allegory that became more than an allegory - it lived, within, returning the gentle enthusiasm of the naive boy.  The knowing of that quite numinous simplicity where one, during Namaz in a Mosque surrounded by others, humbly submits in one's very being, feeling a joyful, peaceful, connexion to Being so that one knows then, beyond words, such empathy as transcends the centuries, bringing a deep love of Allah and His Prophet.

But there were doubts; always, even then, in the monastery, there were doubts, bringing an end to that peace and casting me forth out, back, into the realms of political idealism, hatred, violence, suffering, pleasure, and regret. In the end, I gave up my submission to God, to the Church - preferring my self, my ideals, my dreams, feeling my intuition, my living, my questions, would lead me to answers. Was I wrong? Am I wrong? What standard is there to rely? Now, in this bleaker time of grief, I only seem to have my own - but I am weak, fallible, ashamed, humiliated by my own mistakes. So there was and is conflict, hour after hour, day after day.

The only answer consistent with The Numinous Way which I can logically deduce is that deeds have effects - that what we do, in this our mortal life, has consequences for ourselves, for other living beings, and for the numen, for the Cosmic Being itself. For The Numinous Way, correct, moral - honourable - action implies we cause no more suffering in this world. It means an evolution; a change for the better. Wrong, dishonourable, conduct implies suffering and either stasis or de-evolution. Right conduct, correct deeds, aid evolution - they are evolution - and thus bring-into-being or presence the numinous; they manifest The Cosmic Being, while wrong deeds undermine, weaken, the numinous and The Cosmic Being, and we ourselves, although we are often unaware of this.

Furthermore, to aid the numinous - to contribute to evolution through noble, deeds of empathy, compassion, honour and love - strengthens the numinous within us, and gives us the possibility of evolving into something else, another type of being, beyond the ending that is our causal life. That is, we can become - devoid of a causal self - a type of acausal being. We can thus create, or rather achieve, a new type of life if we live in the right, the correct, the honourable, way. Indeed, this achievement may be said to be one of the meanings of our causal existence - it is not fated, or given by some supreme deity as some reward. It just is - it can be brought-into-being through our conscious choice, through presencing in us that which aids, which manifests, the numen. That is, The Cosmic Being does not, cannot, provide us with this because this being is not "God" - not a supreme, all-powerful, perfect, deity. As explained elsewhere, we are this Being; our evolution, our change, is this Being, changing, evolving. How do we presence, strengthen, give more life, to this Being? Through those things which presence, which manifest the numen - empathy, compassion, honour, dignity, reverence and love. Of importance here are dignity and reverence, things which are, it seems, increasingly lacking in this modern Western world. This reverence arises from placing ourselves in the correct, cosmic, perspective - in feeling and knowing that our brief mortal life is but a nexion.

All these things imply a certain letting-be; a calmness; the perspective of evolution and of the acausal; an empathy with the numinous; a knowledge of the causes of suffering and a desire to refrain from causing suffering; a calming control of most of our desires, which desires can often lead us astray from what is honourable and thus away from continuing our evolution - and the evolution of Nature and the Cosmos - by becoming something more than we are in this causal existence.

So we remember our faults, our failings, the suffering we have caused; we strive to refrain from causing suffering again, atoning for our mis-deeds by striving to do what is honourable; by remembering; by a simple letting-be; by drawing to us the numen itself, through compassion, empathy, honour, love, and by seeking in an honourable way to make others aware of the numen, of the truths about life, of ourselves, of Nature, as nexions. This, I have concluded, is much harder - but much more human - than accepting some Doctrine; some established answers. Of course, I might be mistaken - I am acutely aware of my fallibility, my previous mistakes. But I can only live with what I find true, within, and for, myself.

What, then, is the nature of this acausal existence that you have deduced?

Something beyond our current causal apprehensions, and thus not fully knowable, at present. In a way, we might consider this existence as a strengthening of the matrix, of those connexions that form the basis of life, on this planet, and elsewhere, and thus an increase of being itself. In another way, it is an increase in the consciousness of the Cosmos, an increase of the Cosmic Being itself, which we transcend to become part of, but not in any causal individual way.

Thus, it is an evolution of our own, causal, finite, consciousness - a new way of being, of living. We become, or rather can become, the awareness of the Cosmos; part of the on-going process of change; of life, not only on this planet but also in the Cosmos.

This latter part is important - for Nature is but one manifestation, one living-being, here on this planet, of the life, the evolution, the change, the numinosity, of the Cosmos, of the totality of life which is The Cosmic Being.

Since you have developed The Numinous Way over a period of some years, won't people find your various writings about it confusing, since it seems to have changed? Would it not be useful for you write a detailed guide to The Numinous Way, bringing together all your conclusions, and thoughts, which if I am not mistaken are sometimes contained in your recent letters?

Yes, some might find it difficult to put all the pieces together. But the essentials are contained in essays such as The Theology of The Numinous Way; Cosmic Ethics and The Meaning of Life; Some Thoughts on Our Human Problem; A Retrospective; Toward A Better World; Honour, Empathy and Revolution; Freedom, Liberty and the Right of Rebellion.

What might confuse some people is that I have rigorously followed the ethic of honour - drawing conclusions based upon the underlying morality of The Numinous Way. Thus, I have striven to show that honour means and implies empathy, and thus involves compassion, and that one of the most important things about our living is personal love, and a striving not to cause suffering in other people, and in other living beings. Also, I have striven to show that honour means a rejection of the large, impersonal, modern State - a return to a more rural, communal, way of living. It also means a rejection of most modern law, and the creation of a new way of living which brings genuine freedom and responsibility to human beings. It also means a rejection of racial prejudice; a rejection of ideas and notions of racial superiority. It means tolerance, and fairness.

It is also true that some of my letters - written in the past six or more years - contain some essential insights into The Numinous Way, and present some of my conclusions about that Way. So, yes, some guide to The Numinous Way might be useful, although I have no plans at present, to do this, partly because my own questioning is still unfinished - my own journey remains to be completed.

David Myatt
JD2453892.693